Keeping fun alive

What this is — and who it’s for

At the start, fun is easy. Everything is new and you make time for each other without trying. Later, work, chores and family fill the calendar, and play quietly drops off it. This guide is about bringing it back — on purpose, without needing a holiday to do it.

It’s for couples who feel more like a team running a household than two people enjoying each other.

Read nextDon't let your relationship become a to-do listWork, bills, kids and chores can quietly turn two partners into co-managers. Here's why fun isn't a luxury — and a simple plan for bringing it back.

Why it matters

New things, together. Arthur Aron’s research found that doing new and challenging things together is linked to less boredom and more satisfaction in relationships. The novelty matters more than the expense. Greater Good has a lovely piece on how Arthur Aron keeps his own relationship strong, and another on how a relationship can expand your sense of self.

Celebrating each other. Shelly Gable’s research on capitalization found that responding to a partner’s good news with real enthusiasm and interest is linked to closer, more satisfying relationships. Fun isn’t only activities; it’s the delight you take in each other — see what playfulness can do for your relationship.

Gratitude. Sara Algoe’s “find, remind and bind” idea suggests gratitude helps people notice a good partner and draws them closer — and noticing is half of enjoying someone.

How to recognise it

• You can’t remember the last time you laughed together until it hurt.
• “Date night” means watching a show in silence.
• Free time goes to chores, screens or sleep.
• You talk about your partner as “they always” more than “I love it when they.”

A step-by-step way through

1. Remember. Ask each other: what did we love doing when we first met? What made us laugh?
2. Name your kinds of fun. Outdoors, food, games, music, making things, being silly at home — pick the three that light each of you up.
3. Make a short list of small adventures. Free or cheap, under two hours: a new walk, a recipe neither of you has tried, a class, a game, a café across town. Eight Dates gives you a ready-made set, and Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship has more ideas.
4. Put one in the calendar this week. Fun that isn’t scheduled tends to lose to everything else.
5. Try something new to you both. The research is about novelty — so pick something neither of you is already good at.
6. Celebrate out loud. When something good happens to your partner, make a fuss about it.

What to say

Common pitfalls

• Making fun another chore. Keep it small and light; skip a week without guilt.
• Only doing one person’s kind of fun. Take turns choosing.
• Waiting for the perfect time. There isn’t one. Ten minutes counts.
• Phones along for the ride. Leave them in another room for the adventure.

Practise it together

For an evening that’s new and close, try Aron’s 36 questions together.

When to get more help

If nothing feels enjoyable any more — not just together but on your own — that can be a sign of low mood or depression, and it’s worth talking to a doctor. If fun has gone because of ongoing conflict, start with the guide on the same fight, or a couples counsellor.